Her husband no longer loved her, she did not know what to do, she fell in love with the man who had taken care of her when no one else in the world cared. Her mind questioned her all night long: every time she would look at him her thoughts asked: "Why do you desire him, why is he so special, is he more than a friend, could he be more than a friend, he is not even my type, but look at his smile, look at his laugh, look at his eyes they glow. Why do I stare at him, why do I get lonely when he is not around, why do I only want to be at work with him, why do I want to be around him all the time, why do I think about him so many times throughout the day when he is not working with me, why do I think about him so much every day, why do I wonder if he would take care of me, why do I want him, what is wrong with me? What is it that I want from him, what does it mean to want someone anyway, what do I want him to give me, I want love that is what I want. Oh Arinna, just stop starring at him." "Arinna, please help me with these customers." Kendal replied as she abruptly came out of her thoughts. She came walking quickly to the front of the store and for about one hour had to help him tend to the customers. Finally, after the lines had disappeared she starred out into nothingness, again. "Arinna, what is wrong?" Kendal asked as he waved his hands in front of her eyes. His beautiful blue eyes staring kindly down at her, what was wrong with her, she did not even like blue eyes; she liked men with dark eyes. Eyes like those of her husband. She had a husband and yet she could not stop thinking these thoughts every time she was with Kendal. What was her problem? Was she crazy or sick, this was not like her. She had tried to convince herself she had no feelings for him, she had tried to lie to herself, she had tried to believe her lies, she had tried to make them go away, she had tried every time to remember her husband, but the only thoughts she could remember about her husband was his rejection of her, and his deep rooted love with another woman, and now she found herself feeling those same feelings for someone else also. What kind of person was she? A sinner, and that was for sure, also she was a silly flirty stupid girl. "Arinna..." Kendal said, as he tapped her back. He was now standing behind her, and her heartbeat was pounding hard, her chest heaving as she wished he would stand right there and that close to her all night long, "please put your hands on my back again and keep them there" she begged him with her mind. She turned around and then her heart stopped as her eyes meet his, "I am sorry Kendal, I am just trapped in my own thoughts tonight. Why do you think it is that I can talk to you about everything except what I really want to talk to you about?" He just smiled down at her, he was much taller than she, and just shrugged his shoulders. "What is it that you feel like you can not talk to me about?" She smiled mischievously at him, wishing her mind could be poured out to him, tell him every thought on her mind, but what would she do if he just said she was a fool, or that he could never like someone like her, or a ton of other negative responses. How would she feel? She just starred up at him trying to get him to return the desire in her mind, but his eyes spoke only happiness, nothing about him desiring her. She loved the way his eyes shinned; they were so pure, so innocent, and so empty of hate. Her husband's eyes had only hate when they looked at her. She tried to remind herself that even though her husband did not love her and did not live with her that these feelings for Kendal could not be felt, they were forbidden, but what if this man could feel for her what she felt for him? What if she could find love from him, then what? "Hey Kendal, how is Alex doing lately, you have not talked about him yet." "Well, actually he said something really sad to me the other day, it really bothered me. He said his mom does not miss him anymore because she never calls." Arinna could not understand a mom that did not call to talk to her son, because even though her husband was not the best person in the world to her, he was a good dad and he called his children almost every night. He talked to them, took them places, and did fun things with them. He was a good dad. How could a mother not want to spend time with her child, as a mom she understood all too well about needing breaks and needing some time to be alone, but not never calling. That was beyond her. "What did you tell him?" "I told him yes Alex, you're right she does not call you." "Oh." "He is such a good boy, but he has problems. You know she was going to come and take him for three weeks this summer, but the doctor says it is not a good idea for him to be without his medicine for that long of a time. I know that she would not give him the medicine because she is into Wicca now, and she would not take care of giving it to him." "So what will you do?" "I don't know for sure, I know my grandmother is going to take him for a week once his school is out. I told my ex-wife this already and she was ok with it. It would not have mattered if she was not ok with it, because granny would have taken him anyway." When Kendal said those words his eyes had that glow which Arinna liked so much. He was such a good guy, what in the world was his stupid ex thinking when she left. She wasn't thinking that was what it was. She was such a stupid girl. Carra and Arinna had been friends for awhile, she was an interesting person, but she was too free spirited, and this was not a great quality to have in a mom, because a mom needs to have more dependability. Arinna felt sorry for Kendal, she wished she could show him what a real woman was like, but how could Arinna say she was actually a real woman or not, had she ever shown herself to be a real woman for Jerik, no she had not. "Well I know he will have fun at your granny's. Will you enjoy the break?" "Yes, in a way." They talked a little more about Alex, and a little about Arinna's children. "This is not what I was going to tell you earlier but I do have something I want to tell you." "Ok," "Jerik was over at the house last night when I got home. He was waiting for me at the door and followed me into the house. He wanted to talk and I was tired so I changed into some sleeping clothes while he followed me around. Once I was comfortable I lay down on my couch and listened to him talk. I told him I was having my own problems just like his but that I would overcome them. He asked me what types of problems; I told that I really want to go down on him. Of course he let me, but he had conditions. I met his conditions which were to be naked and let him cum in my mouth. So anyway, I really do not know why I told you all of that, but he started talking a few hours about how I should sleep with you, and that way he could be free. I told him I would obey God and not him. Then he reminded me about how he was not ever coming home, and how he was in love with her. I explained to him that I understand all his words, I have heard them enough. So finally he left me alone to have my typical nightmares." She sighed looking into Kendal's eyes feeling much relieved to be able to tell him as much as she had. "Well, keep telling him that. Tell him that I am not going to let you sleep with me, and that I am not going to let you mess up. And ..." "And what?" "And nothing..." "Tell me..." "Well besides all that you might like it with me anyway." Looking up at him wondering the stupid typical female thoughts could he actually be better than Jerik? Is he bigger than Jerik, does it really matter, what am I thinking. She could feel her face flushing with heat as she thought these things. She had no words to tell him, she had no come back, because anything she could say would only lead her into wanting to flirt more, she wanted things right now that were not good for her to want. He made her feel so alive, so happy, so at ease, what if this feeling could last forever? He had been her friend for five years, and they could truly talk freely about anything, she had no shame when telling him about anything, but she felt shame about her strong feelings for him, it was really not shame it was fear. Fear that she would chase him away from her and lose her friendship with him. She wanted him so much, but not so much that it was worth risking losing his friendship. She would rather have his friendship than his body. It was not worth making him feel uncomfortable around her. She could be an aggressive person, but what she needed was someone more aggressive than herself. She needed a man to make the first move, and he had just stood there and told her that he would not allow her to make a serious mistake, so that meant he would not make a first move. She wanted him to kiss her but that would not happen, she wanted him to take her face in his hands and touch her skin gently but that would also not happen. He would not allow her to have something not right. In his own way he was already protecting her, he was protecting her from her worst enemy, herself. Then more customers came and ruined the moment, they both had to do their jobs and then a commercial came on the television. "Do you know that the old man is really a female dressed up as a man?" "No" "Next time watch and look in the eyes, and you will be able to tell." He always amused her when he knew things like that. She tried to make everything in life so complicated; he just relaxed and let life come to him. She enjoyed being around him because he was such a happy person, at least compared to her. He always knew about movies or games that would be cool before they came to the store. He was really into movies, more than she was. He liked almost any movie, she was actually quite picky. And with the way her life had become she had very little time to watch movies anymore. She was too busy reading, or studying, or working, or writing. She was just always busy, but she loved to ask him what movie to watch and then watch it. She loved to watch him when he would look at the television, she loved looking at him. Arinna, what is wrong with you? She kept searching, waiting for a moment when their eyes could lock, when she could tell him how she felt, the moment just seemed to not be coming. Finally, it was time to lock the doors, and close down the store. She opened up the drawers as he started to count down the registers, and then she went back to the back of the store waiting on him to finish his job. Finally, she sighed very heavily. "Kendal, why do I want you?" That was a silence breaker! He looked up at her, she was not looking at him, she was not as bold and brave as she thought herself to be. She was weak, and at this moment she needed to not see his eyes, she was in fear of what they would speak. "Arinna, I do not know why, only you know that." "I love you. Why is it that I love you and my husband, how is this possible?" "Because you do not love me, you lust for me." He said this so matter of fact, and she did not believe him. "This is not what my mind says; this is not what my heart says." "He has hurt you, and you trust me, so why not feel what you feel. It is natural." She trusted him, she was exposing to him her soul, he could either break it in half or continue to handle as he was. She wanted him to love her, she wanted to be loved to be shown what love really was and what really forgiving someone was, what really forgetting what they had done to you was, to have someone to take care of and take care of her, to hug her, to kiss her gently and passionately, to make love to her, not sex, to grow old with her, to give her small gifts, to be special to, to have someone who wanted her around to talk to and share life with. Could he be this person, could he give her these things? Would he massage her back, take away her mental pain, and her physical pain, would he take care of all of her needs, would he take her places and those places be just because he loved her, would he help her make her dreams come true? Would he treat her like a woman, would he touch her gently, would he touch her with passion, would he take her and possess her, would he caress her, would he need her, would he control her, could he willingly do these things that she so desperately needed? Would her take her horse back riding, would he let her have a horse and help taker care of it, give her flowers, give her cards, listen to her, take her out to eat and talk while he was with her, would he go walking with her, would he listen to her pain always, would he be a friend and also be so much more? Would he compliment her on how she looked, on her hair, her eyes, her body, her attitude? Would he help her keep her home clean and nice to look at, would he yell at her, curse her, would he try to physically and mentally hurt her. She did not think so, but she had to wonder since it had been done to her before. She knew he was a good man, she knew what she felt, she felt love for him. "Kendal, am I good enough for you?" "Yes." "Am I pretty enough for you?" "Yes." "Kendal, would you be able to love me?" He did not say a word for a moment; he wanted to say what he needed to say in the right words, he needed to breathe from the shock of her question. He could see how fragile she was at this moment and did not want to hurt her. "I can not allow myself to think about that. You are a married woman, and I can not think about loving a married woman." "Why do I feel these feelings?" "Because you are lonely." "I know I have some feelings for my husband but right now the feelings I feel for you make it impossible to remember why I have any feelings left for him at all, all I can remember are the bad things he has done. I thought I had forgiven him, and maybe I have but my feelings for you are making it so hard for me to see clearly." In fact she had forgiven her husband but all she could think about was Kendal. "Think about bad things about me." He looked at her, she was still looking at the floor, she was crying very lightly and it was because of herself not because of him. Some things are supposed to be left in our minds, and she was disappointed that she was allowing these thoughts to come out of her mind. He was handling her wonderfully, he was smart, and she was acting foolish. "Kendal, you are a better person for me than Jerik is. You are a better person than I am; you make me be a better person. You like things that I like, he doesn't like very much of anything that I like. You talk and listen to me; he does not know how to listen without trying to show me the wrong path. You ask me to do nothing to endanger my soul, he asks me to do stupid things so that he can be set free. You treat me as if I am a person; he treats me like I am not really there. The woman he is in love with him is better for him than I am because she also treats him better than I do, and she has his soul. She was made for him, she completes him. I do not know if you complete me or not, but I know you make more sense for me than he does." She was beginning to think perhaps Kendal even had her soul. "Your feelings are lust. I am your friend and I have been for five years, it is ok for you to be so close to me. Only time will tell if you are right for me and I am right for you. Only time will tell if they were made for each other. But time can do nothing right now, because you are married. Maybe not happily married but you're married. I will not do anything like what you are wanting. I am your friend and always will be a great friend to you. But I will not be more than that while you are married." She was both happy and sad. She was supposed to have better morals than she did right now, but thankfully he had morals that she did not have. "Could you control me Kendal?" "How would I know, I have never been with you and know nothing about that side of you." "You know enough just by my talking about my life with Jerik." "Let me answer it this way. I will take what I want, I have no problem in taking what I need and want." In her mind she was thinking then take me, but he had already answered this. Maybe it was not that he did not want her, maybe it was he had to make her believe he did not want her so that she did not do something she might regret. Or something he might regret. "Oh, Kendal I do not understand myself. Why am I doing this? I know better than to ask you these questions. I know better than to want to be around you all the time. I know better than to feel these things but I can not control myself." "It will be ok. I will help you through this." She wanted him to hold her, hug her, kiss her, touch her, make her know he would protect her, but he could not protect her in the way she wanted him to he could only protect her from her desires. He could only protect her by not giving her what she wanted. "But I like flirting with you." "Ok so then flirt with me. I am safe and it is ok to flirt with people." She was sad, scared, in need of love, she wanted him, she wanted assurance, she wanted to be loved until the day she died, and she needed his friendship and so much more. She needed him to always be there. He said he would always be her friend, but this made her feel fear what if someone married him. But that would be ok then he would be happy, maybe she could not even make him happy anyway. She did not know anything anymore; everything that she thought she had known seemed to be like lies. All she knew was she was happy when she was with him and wished she could be around him everyday, because he made her feel at ease. "Ok so I will flirt with you then." She was finally able to look up at him and smile. Why was it that he would not allow himself to think about loving her, she knew what he had said but was there more to it than that? "Do you know when you were standing behind me tonight I wished it would have lasted forever. You made me feel so excited and carefree. My heart skipped beats and I felt hot. Maybe you would do that again sometime?" He looked at her and smiled. What was it about him that turned her on, what was it that made her feel these things and have these thoughts. It was more than lust, but what exactly she did not know. She could not understand fully what she felt and what she wanted. She did not understand what and how fully she felt for him, what would she really do if the opportunity ever arose? She did not know the answer to that either. "Well, it is time to go home." Kendal said awaking her from her thoughts. Then he led her to the front of the building and she walked outside and then left to go home. In her dreams that night and the night after that she did not have nightmares, in fact she dreamed clean dreams of Kendal both nights. She felt so safe and warm, protected. He had saved her from her dark sleep, how would she wait one more day to see him again. She wished she could talk to him again. She wished she could talk to him everyday. In her dreams he was sitting in her room in her chair in front of her desk. Nothing odd happened in her dream; in fact these dreams were not like her typical dreams. He just sat there, guarded and talked to her all night long. He made her feel secure. He allowed her to rest at ease, and not to think about all the bad things concerning her husband and his rejection toward her. He did not touch her, he did not kiss her, he did not advance on her, but still she felt happy and content. She wanted what he was giving her and he was making her happy just by being in her dreams. He prevented her bad memories from invading her mind and gave her peaceful and nice sleep. She woke up in the morning feeling refreshed and able to make it through the day ahead of her. All the next day at work she thought about him many times. She could not seem to stop thinking about him. She thought about his beautiful blue eyes, and his words that were so strong and direct, about his protection of her against herself. She thought about how and why she wanted him, knowing that this was not just going to go away. She tried to think about her husband but only bad thoughts came in her mind. She tried to remind herself about his goodness and the good things that he did for her and the kids, but for some reason the good things that Kendal did outweighed those of her husband. The next day at work she grew in her desire for him. She wanted him more and more, she wanted to see him again. She wanted to talk to him again and she felt like she could not wait until the very next day when she would work with him again. She hoped he would flirt with her and maybe even have a chance to talk to him about her feelings. To herself she continued to remind and reprimand herself. Yet, her thoughts kept begging him to love her, please love me, please want me, and please desire me. Please! Please just say these words to me, no don't you dare ask him to tell you these words you want him to do it because he wants to not because you want him to. She kept pretending that he was telling her; "I need you forever, please be mine, I want to take care of you. I want you to be happy; I want to make you happy. I will take care of all you're needs." Oh I wish I did not feel this way for him, I am supposed to feel these thoughts for my husband but why should I since he does not feel them for me. Oh you crazy girl, Kendal does not feel these feelings for you either so why do you allow yourself to feel them for him. Strangely enough, she was right Kendal had never said that he felt these feelings for her, but she did not care. Just being around him, no matter how he felt about her made her feel safe, happy, and calm. You are so crazy, she scolded herself. I know I like to hear him laugh, I know I like the way he talks to me, trusts me, I like to hear him talk, I like to listen to him, I like to look at him, I like to see his eyes. I don't even like blue eyes why do I like his blue eyes, what is wrong with me? I am changing, who am I? I just do not know anymore who I am. It is almost like I am two people, fighting within myself everyday all day long to see which one will win. She could remember there was something good about her husband; he was a good dad. He seemed to care about her health, he helped take care of finical matters, he would help her out around her home when she would gather the nerve to ask, and he had a wonderful mother. His mother would be so disappointed if she knew Arinna felt these feelings. Arinna really loved her mother-in-law; she was such a good mother and person. Think about her husband she did, and she kept making herself think about his good points. Yet the point was she wanted to think about Kendal, she smiled when she thought about Kendal, she thought about his flaws and his perfections, his smile, eyes and his heart of gold were his perfections. What would it be like to be loved by him, would she ever know? Or is it that she would ruin him just as she had done her husband? Maybe she should try to control her feelings because maybe it was truly her fault that her husband was the way he had become, maybe it was her fault. She would not allow herself to force anyone else anywhere to feel pressured to be near her as she did her husband, she knew how it felt to be hated and how it felt to be despised. She did not know how it felt to be loved, and maybe this was something she would never know. All she could hope was that he would be in her dreams as he was during the nights before. She could not wait until it was time to go to work and see him again. She always found herself working harder for him, if he asked her to do something she would do it quicker than she would for the other managers, she wanted him to be pleased with her. She felt as if she were going insane. She could no longer stand it, what did she really feel for him, was he right, was it love or was it lust? She needed to know, it was making her crazy. She searched and she studied, reading things that made it seem like she loved him, not lusted. She had known him for five years after all, and she was beginning to think she actually had loved him all these years. That perhaps she had only lied to herself. After all in the first year she had met him, she was happily married or at least she believed herself to be. But how would it really be possible for her to have been happy in her marriage since her own husband had recently admitted to her that he had never loved her and had never been happy in the marriage. In fact he had felt trapped. It was very possible she had also lied to herself, and continued to lie to herself and until now decided it was best to lie. Now it was necessary to be honest with herself and to find out how she felt. It was best to question herself to see how long she had felt this way. It might have been the night she wanted him to listen to her Russian music tape, Tatu. It might have been when she talked to him that night at Wal-Mart where he talked to her about how much he was hurting because of Carra leaving him. Was it possible that Kendal had felt this way for her to, that he did not want her to know so that it was easier to resist her temptations? She called him at work before she went to bed that night, she had to hear his voice before she went to sleep, and it made her feel calm and happy, and it also guaranteed her no nightmares with Jerik and Helen in them. Her excuse was to talk to him about the movie he told her to watch. It was a good movie, but normally she would not call someone just to tell them that a movie was good. The entire conversation she smiled just listening to his voice made her smile, and she still hoped he would be in her dreams, which was of course most of the reason she had called him. Had she ever told him that the night he confided in her, when carol had left him that she wanted to kiss him that night, because she felt such pity for his pain. That was when her husband had made his first trip to the Ukraine, which had rearranged their life fully. Her studies about love and lust left her tired, and closer to believing she was feeling love not lust. So after she studied a little longer, she finally gave up and went to bed, in her dreams he was there with her again. They were talking and he was again simply protecting her. She woke up and began her very long day, unable to wait until she would see him in only a few hours. "Good morning, Kendal." Arinna said as she walked into the store smiling to see his face. She went and clocked in and when she started searching his body she looked upon his eyes, they were green. What had happened to him, his eyes were supposed to be blue, at least that is what she remembered, could it be she did not pain close attention to the details of his eyes, and body? No, she knew they were blue on Monday night, but why were they green now. Soon she would find out that she was not going to be happy about why they were green. "Kendal, I thought your eyes were blue, why are they green today?" "They change color with my mood." "What is your mood today?" "You don't really want to know." She looked at him, starting to become a little worried, "What is it?" "Carra, she called my brother last night and told him she was coming in July the 2nd to pick up Alex. She is going to take him for three weeks, and it worries me. I am worried she could take him and never return him to me and take him to Canada; I am worried she will not give him his medicine. I am worried she will hurt him by coming and seeing him and being with him then leaving him again to return to not calling him, I am worried she will mess up the routine we have him on. She even made demands that I give her his schedules, which I was going to do anyway. She wants the records for his grades at his schools. She does not understand him. Arinna, she has not even seen him in two years." He looked down at her; his eyes were very green now. She was trying hard not to bite her lower lip; she always nibbled on her lip when she was nervous. She typically only got nervous when she cared about someone, knew they were hurting, and knew she was not smart enough to give them an answer that could solve their problems. She was supposed to be able to help people with their problems, she was supposed to be able to give great advice, to help, and her heart ached. She did not want Kendal to lose Alex; she wanted to be Alex's mom. She wanted to show Alex that many women were good and to show him that they could be trusted, that not all women were mean and did not care. But she did not dare to tell Kendal these thoughts. Instead she just listened, and wished she could pat Kendal lovingly on the back. She wanted to hug him, to reassure him it would all be alright, but she could not, she did not know how. To her it looked like a very bad moment to give him a hug. He was not her, and maybe he did not long for physical attention when he was hurting, like she did. When she hurt she wanted to be touched, hugged, loved, told good words of advice, she wanted to feel the person's love that she was baring her soul to. Instead she just sat there looking at him with eyes full of sorrow for his pain and listening quietly. In her mind she said, I love you Kendal, I want you to be ok, I want Alex to be ok, I want her to go away and leave you and Alex alone. Alex can have a better example one day; I know there is someone out there that can love him. I can love him. I can love you, I do love you. But, she could not say these words out loud; it was a very bad idea. "I am worried; I am very upset with her. I want her to just not come and see him." Kendal sighed and then had to take care of many customers. For many hours they were busy with their work, and did not have many chances to talk to each other. Then they had to both go on their lunch breaks, and then it was nearly 1 o'clock in the afternoon. A girl named Carol showed up. She talked and flirted and Arinna wanted to make her leave the store. This was another negative emotion she had, she was so jealous of Carol, it was pathetic. She hated it when she would come by and talk to Kendal, she would look at her with daggers in her eyes. As she was looking at her, a customer came up and started laughing at her. She blushed, not realizing her anger was so obvious and feeling ashamed of herself. Finally, Carol left. "I really do not like her, Kendal I know that there are better women out there for you. You can do tons better than her." Sighing, and very aggravated. "I don't really like her; you do realize she makes me aggravated also?" "I hope so, because she really makes me jealous." As she said those words a new panic came over her, what if I make him aggravated, what if he does not like me like he does not like her, what if he wished I did not like him, what if he wished he did not have to work with me, oh boy what would I do if I found out how he really felt about me. I would deal with it that is what I do when I find out how anyone feels about me. I deal with it. I always do! The rest of the day she tried to stand as close to him as she could. She was too much of a flirt, let him flirt, let him lead me in what he wants and does not want me to do. Just watch him, talk to him, just be his friend. He is such a great friend and I do not want to lose it over my silly feelings. "Oh Kendal, I was doing some studying last night. I do not believe it is only lust that I have for you. I believe it is more than that. " He just looked at her, she did not go into further detail, and he did not ask her to. Then the phone rang, it was the head store manager. He needed Arinna to work Sunday night instead of working Sunday during the day. This made her so happy; she would get one more shift to work with Kendal. YES!!! She was so happy, she jumped around, she smiled, she was ecstatic! This would mean she would be able to hear his voice, smell him, talk to him, and watch him. Was she becoming obsessed or was she just really lonely, perhaps she just really needed to be around someone whom made her feel happy and at ease? Maybe she really was in love; he did make her want to be a better person. He impressed her; his morals were ten times greater than hers were, and oddly enough she was the one who went to church all the time. That just went to prove to her that just because a person goes to church does not make them a good or bad person, it just makes them a person. He was so amazing. He smiled and made her able to smile. It was odd for her to be happy, especially now and it made her feel alive. Again that word alive, why was it that he made her feel this way. She did not care, she just loved feeling it. He was her angel, he was her protector, he was her friend, she was so happy. She hoped with all her heart she could be this happy for a very long time, maybe even forever. Finally he had to leave, but he went to a place near by and the whole time he was there she would stare at his car, wishing she could leave the store and go see him, and go be near him. She would love to listen to him talk about anything, as long as she could hear his voice. Her boss would not let her go, she had to work, it was not fair, and she wanted to be near Kendal. Finally after two hours or so she saw his car leave. Her heart sank, she watched him drive off staring after him the entire time. After that her night was sad and she was lonely. How would she make it to tomorrow night? She did not know, she just knew she had no choice, boy was she ever tired, why had she agreed to close? She must have been delusional when she agreed, she must have been thinking about Kendal when she agreed because now that he was gone and she could not see him she realized how much pain her body was in. Boy, did her back hurt, she desperately needed someone to give her shoulders a massage. She needed someone to mow her yard, she needed someone to hug her, and she needed Kendal to do these things for her. There was no way she would ask him to. She finally made it through the night, closed the store and went home to watch a movie, listen to her Russian songs, her Linkin Park songs, her other mood music, and then go to bed. She had not done much reading today, not like she had hoped to do. She had only read 15 pages from her book, now how would she ever get done reading it if she did not read more than 15 pages a night? She did not care; she would rather talk to her Kendal. She could not wait until tomorrow night. She just wished there were some way she could take away his pain, but all the ways of taking pain away she could not do. He would not allow her to take his pain away by any physical means, so that was out of the question. She would just be there to listen, and if he asked for her advice then she would hope she had something brave and smart to say. She seemed to be tongue tied around him, she seemed to be so intoxicated by him that her mind was gone. Her soul did not know what to feel. She would have to be patient with herself, and follow his lead. If he wanted to flirt he would flirt, if he wanted to talk he would talk, if he wanted to be close to her body he would be. It was all up to him, she knew what she felt, and knew what she wanted and would allow herself to indulge in these feelings. It made her feel wonderful; it made her feel so very happy, and alive. Sometimes there are people in life that need more pain than pleasure, these people torment themselves thinking that they can never have a better life, thinking that life has to be hard, that there are no simple answers. They torture themselves with movies, books, songs that eat their souls out, they do this because they have never learned to be happy with who they truly are, the real person not just the person that everyone else sees. They do this because the world suffers, why they should be happy; they do this because they know no better. Arinna was this type of person. What made her think she should have happiness when the entire world was suffering, but when she was around Kendal, all she could think about was him and his problems. Her problems did not exist anymore, only he did. Arinna had watched a movie after thinking about Kendal, after trying to erase him from her mind, after trying to remind her that he was just her friend. The entire movie his face and eyes flooded her memory, he would not go away. She did not mean to think about him, but she could not stop it. She was imaging telling him how she felt, about having him touch her soft silky skin, about laying gently on his leg, hugging her face to his leg and just resting as she watched the movie. Just to be close to him. Just to have him there to watch the movie with her. She tried to watch the movie, and it was a really good movie, but it did not matter, all she could think about was him. "Kendal, you deserve better than me, you deserve better than all you have ever had. Life should not have been so unfair to you. Life should have been nicer to you. It should have been nicer to me also, we both deserved the happy ever after, but that is just something that we are brain washed with as children. You see I want you to love me and you can not because I am married. I am not married from my husband's point of view, he does not think we were ever really married because he did not ever give himself to me, and perhaps I only thought I gave myself to him. I do not know anything anymore, if I ever knew it to begin with. Just tell me you need me, tell me you want me, and tell me it will all end ok." As she imaged these words she also imaged him taking his hand and placing it gently and lovingly upon her check and then moving it to her forehead, where he gently placed a single simple kiss upon her soft forehead. Smiling as she thought these thoughts, smiling as she finally fell asleep and dreamed about him. The next day at work went in the same pattern, except both Saturday and Sunday they were so busy that talking was hardly a possibility. They would talk, but the flirting got less and less. Maybe she had told him too much. When Sunday night came and it was time to close she asked him why he did not flirt with her anymore. Then before he answered her it occurred to her it was because of the bad news of Carra coming to take Alex, every since that night he had been different, and understandable so, she would be to if she were in his shoes. Now she understood and her desires were not so bad, yet they were still there. She was thinking all types of thoughts inside her mind as she stared at his back, watching him do his job. She thought about how she wanted to do everything she could to please him; she already knew she would work harder when he was around. Yet, she would change her hair if he wanted her to, she would let it grow out or she would keep it short, she listened to songs on the radio and many of them reminded her how she felt about him, she watched movies just because he said they were good, even if it was a movie she would not typically like. She wanted to know everything about him. What type of child was he, did he like indoors or outdoors the best, what did he do growing up, how did he do in school, did he like school when he was a child, what did he like to do when he was growing up. She wanted to know all his stories, all about his life. What would he think of her if she asked, and one day she knew she would ask just because she always asked anything that was on her mind, she did not seem to be able to keep anything to herself when he was around. No matter how stupid or how confusing a thought was, if he was not busy she would just allow the thought to come out in the form of words. Sometimes he would look at her like she was crazy, but she did not mind, it made her feel like it was ok to be herself. "I wonder why when I watch movies and listen to songs I see your face in my mind? Why are you always on my mind? Why do you never leave me alone?" she asked these questions more to herself than to him. "Maybe I am insane to always see you in my mind, to always think about you?" "No, you're not insane. I have done that before also." "Why is it that everyone I want does not want me back?" She also asked this more to herself than to him. After hoping she was one of the people that were inside his head. "Maybe one of the people you want does want you." She smiled, "Are you saying you want me?" He grinned then looked at her, "I did not exactly say that." She just looked at him, if he wants me truly, then why will he not admit to it. I am not going to do anything about him wanting me, except be exceedingly happy. She could not understand him, but she really liked their game, it was so much fun to have someone to play with. "If you want me so much then why is it that you do not flirt with me anymore? Is it because of Carra?" "Yes," "But I am sure you see me flirting with you, I know I am obvious, too obvious I am afraid. I do not know what is wrong with me but I love your smell, your eyes, and your laugh. I love to be as close to you as possible. I love playing with the fire." She smiled, she was so happy she had been able to get these words out; she had been practicing saying them for such a long time now. "Yes, you are extremely obvious when you flirt." It was so odd to her that he could criticize her, tell her things about herself that needed to be changed, yet it never hurt her. When he said these things to her it did not matter, and in fact she would try to change something if she could and if she wanted to. All the things that her husband said typically made her unhappy. Even if these two men said the same exact words, her feelings and reactions would be more accepting if it came from Kendal and not her husband. She thought this to be very strange. Finally, it was time to go home. She drove out of the parking lot, Kendal's image following her in her mind, the entire drive to her husband's home, where she had to pick up her children. Her husband was a nice man when it came to helping out with the children, and she truly did appreciate that aspect about him. "Hi, did you have a hard night at work?" "Yes, Jerik I did. I have had a hard last week, but I will be ok and I will make it through I always do." She did not want to tell him that despite how hard it had been it had also been perfect torture and she loved it. They talked for a very short time, she thanked him for watching and helping out with the kids. Then he helped her get them into the car. He said good night and she drove home. She still had Kendal's image in her mind, but Jerik always seemed to be able to bother her, even when he did not mean to. He had said nothing wrong, and he had done nothing wrong, but he still just aggravated her. That night she watched a movie before she was able to go to bed, and this time her Kendal was not inside her dreams to protect her, at least not in such an obvious way as before. In fact she did not even realize his presence until long after she awoke from her nightmare. In the dream Jerik was there. He was at her home and they were trying to move back into the same house and start their life over. His phone rang while he was taking a shower, and it was a girl that he had been playing with. She was young, only 20 years old and she was leaving him a message about how she could not wait to see him again. Arinna answered the phone and talked to the girl, letting her know that whatever had been going on was over that Jerik had returned home and he would not have the time to play any games of any type with her anymore. The young woman got the hint, apologized and said she did not realize that he was married. She even assured Arinna that there had been no physical contact, nothing not even kissing. Arinna said it did not matter, but that she was to never call again. Later in either the same dream or in a different one, Arinna had finished her schooling. She got a wonderful job and Jerik and her paid for all the members from the Ukrainian church to come to their home and spend one week with them. Unbeknownst to Arinna Helen had a ticket also, which Jerik took from Arinna's money and paid for. This was not in the agreement. When Helen got to the home, she ran and kissed Jerik on his lips. This infuriated Arinna! She had no clue this woman was even coming, much less that her and Jerik had still been communicating. She listened to them talk and laugh, she watched their body language, she was about ready to burst into tears, but she would not give Jerik the pleasure. She went to Helen and said you are not welcome here, not by me. So if you plan on being here I will be elsewhere. Jerik, it is over between us. I will not tolerate her in your life, and I see you have made your choice. She calmly walked outside to the barn. She had made a very small barn for her one horse. Jerik, did not like horses, and had told her that if she were to ever have one she would have to take care of it all by herself, so in her dream she had done exactly that. She went to the horse, and hugged so very tightly to its neck. She cried and cried. The horse just lifted its face every once and awhile as if to ask her to ride him. So she did, she put the bridle on him and jumped upon him. Then she rode off, feeling free and even though she was hurt she was content to be with her horse, and shortly after that she awoke from the dream. For a while she was so distraught that Kendal had not come to her, that he had not protected her from the pain caused in the dream, she had even woke up crying. Then it dawned on her, he had been in her dream. He did protect her; he even took her away from her misery. He was the horse, he had been there all along just waiting on her to need him entirely and then when she did he saved her. He could not erase the pain, he could not undo the memory but he could take her to a place where the pain could not hurt her, and that was what he did. He let her ride him away from the pain, and he took her anywhere she needed to go. He was the creature that she loved most as a child, he was the horse. The symbolic nature of the dream was alarming, and it made her start to think I do love him, I do need him. Not just physically but mentally, and emotionally, I need him in every way possible to need a person. That is how much I need him. For a few hours she could not stop thinking about what this dream had revealed to her. She would love him always, whether she stayed with her husband or not, whether he husband ever decided she was worth his time to return to or not. There was her soul, her mind, and a huge part of her heart that would always belong to Kendal, no matter what happened it would belong to him, she had given it to him without even realizing what was happening, she had given it to him the night he confided in her at Wal-mart. Many weeks went this same way, until finally Jerik decided that Arinna was worth his time and talked to her, and then she realized why he had been ignoring her so much. He knew his news would make her unhappy, but neither of them had a clue how unhappy it would make her. "You know, I have been talking to Helen again. I really miss her, I can not live without her and I am planning on leaving to go to the Ukraine for an extended period of time. I never meant to hurt you, but I can not come back to you and I can not continue to deny myself her love." Arinna was taken aback, and it showed in all her features. "Oh Arinna, it is not like that. She inspires me to be able to spread God's word better, I am only going to go and teach the Bible." Arinna was in such shock, she knew that was not what he planned on doing, and she did not know what to do. "Well, thank you for telling me this. Do you expect me to just stay here and wait for you to return to me? I can not do that you know." "What you do is not my concern. I also plan on taking the children with me. I plan on leaving in a few months, as long as all goes well with the kids passports. " "Jerik, I have to go now." Arinna left him, and she got in her car, drove off and arrived at work. Luckily Kendal was there. "Hi, Arinna, how are you tonight?" She just looked up at him, her eyes were glazed, her heart was broken and he could see it in her look. She looked through him, not at him. "Jerik is taking my kids with him to the Ukraine, he showed me the passports, and he is leaving for an extended amount of time. What do I do?" She asked this as she stared through him. She was gone, her mental state was destroyed, and she broke into tears. "Please don't send me home. I can not go home. I will kill myself." "Arinna, I have no choice. You will not kill yourself; you have so much to live for. You are in such a bad state that I can allow you to stay here and work. I'm very sorry. " She just continued to stare at him, blankly and then turned to head home. Once she arrived home, she wrote a letter to Jerik and to Kendal, asking both to forgive her for her state of mind, of all the life she lacked, and to forgive her for killing herself. She folded both letters and then went to the bathroom. She put on her prettiest gown, it was red silk, and it caressed her body well. She sighed, swallowed a large amount of pills, slit both of her wrists, and then attempted to slit her neck. Before she could cut her neck deep enough to kill herself she fainted. She lay on the floor for no longer than thirty minutes before Jerik came in the house. He saw her lying there, in a puddle of her own blood and rushed her to the hospital. Then he called Kendall at work. "Kendal, this is Jerik. I have some terrible news and a letter from Arinna for you. Please come to the hospital on your break." "Why, what is wrong?" "I think that Arinna is dying." Then he hung up the phone. He did not want Kendal to know he still cared about Arinna. Kendal arrived at the hospital and went to the emergency room. Jerik looked at Kendal and then told him: "They pumped her stomach, and got all the pills out, and they stopped the blood from her wrist, but they can't get her to wake up. They say she is unconscious." "Can we see her?" Kendal asked. "Yes," Jerik took Kendal to Arinna. Both men looked down on her frail body. Kendal started to cry. "Why did I not listen to her? She begged me to not send her home. How is it that you went to the house, and found her? You never go over there, she said you barely even talk to her anymore." "Because I had to tell her that I wanted to see if she wanted to go with me to live in the Ukraine. I was going there to apologize for my harshness, and that I was only testing her to see how weak she was. I had no clue...I did not know that she would take it so hard." Kendal looked at Jerik with daggers in his eyes. "You fool, how dare you threaten her by saying you were going to take her kids to the Ukraine. You fool, of course she was weak when she thought she was going to lose her children." Jerik knew he was right, and he did not mean for Arinna to do such a stupid and drastic thing, but she had and now he did not know what to do. Both men sat there in silence looking coldly at each other. Arinna was only breathing because of the machines. Finally, they were both forced to leave. Day after day both men came to see her, and day after day she did not recover any at all. Finally after one month of being there Jerik was asked if he wanted to keep her plugged up to the machines or not. He said he wanted to let her go, that it would be better for her, but Kendal took Jerik aside and talked to him. "Jerik, look I know you want to go to the Ukraine, I know you want to forget all about her ever existing, but I can not give up on her. Sign a paper and release the authority of decisions to me. Let me decide when they pull the plug. " Both men looked at each other; coldness was in the air surrounding them. Kendal did not want to let her go, he wanted her to come back, and when she did he was going to have to slap her for being so stupid, and then kiss her for coming back. After awhile Jerik went to the head of the hospital and found that there was a way he could release her from his being the one to make the decisions. He allowed Kendal to be the one to tend to her, while he was gone to the Ukraine. Jerik left with Arinna's children, and Kendal was left all alone with Arinna to be her only visitor for 6 months. Chapter 2 Arinna, woke up in a strange world, she had never been here before. Her hair was long, black, and she was wearing armor. She remembered very little, she had talked to some glowing lights that called themselves gods. That had told her she was to be the destructor and the savior of their land. She stood up beside a tall golden tree. She looked down at her arms, they were scarred. I wonder how I got these scars. I wonder where I am. "Arinna, come on let's go. I thought you were never going to wake up." She was standing beside the golden tree and saw a black unicorn, his silver horn was sparkling and he was the one talking to her. "Were you day dreaming again." She patted the beast, and climbed upon his massive back. "I just can't remember what I am doing here." He pawed the ground. "Arinna, you are here until an uncertain date. You have some strange quest to finish, of which even you do not know what it is. But your scars were done by yourself when you were on earth. Your husband left to go to the Ukraine with your children, and you tried to kill yourself. I guess you were really heartbroken and for some reason you were not the person I know. You were such a weak, stupid human. Now you are strong and brave. You have lived her for such a long time, and you have saved so many of the locals. You killed so many of the beasts and demons that none other could have killed. I like you, and I do not really care for mortals. You have been here longer than even I have. Now are you ready?" "Wow, I wonder why I forgot such a strange story. Yes, we are ready." The black unicorn reared up and they raced off. They came to a near by village that was being tormented by a giant. With one shot of her bow and the use of her silver arrow she killed him. The villagers thanked her and let her sleep there for that night. Then it was time to leave again. There was always some different village with some different demon, ghost, monster, and man, something evil to kill. She was always welcomed, and always given food, drink, and room for the night as a reward. After what seemed like forever, she began to get restless. Why am I still here, what good it this. I am always killing and always saving some stupid girl that gets tied to a cross as a sacrifice. I am so tired of being here. What else is there is there more to life than this? Is there more to me than this? What is love, what is it like? I have never felt this feeling. I am stuck somewhere and yet I feel like someone is pulling and pleading for me to come to them. But I never find them. I never see them. Where are they, and who are they. The unicorn and she raced quickly as her mind reeled and wondered about all this thoughts. Suddenly, she was standing all alone on a cliff. The clouds were open, and her unicorn was gone. "Arinna, tell us what you are feeling right now." A great white angel spoke to her with a voice as calm as a gentle breeze. "I want to know what love is, I want to know what it is like to love and be loved. I want to know if this is all there is in life for me, killing all these creations. All this destruction, is it all that I am? Am I only a destroyer? Why?" The angel's eyes glowed at she looked down at her, and gently stroked her face. "You are the destroyer because you destroyed yourself. You are here to learn your lesson, to learn to not be so selfish, to learn how to protect people, to learn every lesson that you failed while you were on earth. Do you know why you failed on earth? Do you know what makes you different now?" "I failed because I was weak, and I succeed now because I am strong. I save people because they can not save themselves. I save them because I am the only one whom can." "No, you are not the only one who can save them. But you are strong now. You are wiser now, and you try which is something you never did while on earth. You were a person no one wanted to be around while on Earth, all you did was whine, and try to force people to give you your way, you never sacrificed anything. But we are willing to give you a new chance because you have made a complete flip in your character for a very long time. If you pass this time then you can stay and have a chance at redemption, maybe you will even be allowed to enter Heaven." The angel sparkled as she spoke to Arinna. Arinna looked for a long time at the angel in silence, and then finally spoke. "If I was such a failure before what makes you believe that I will succeed this time?" "We are not sure if you succeed, but we do feel as if you have had enough time and also that you have proven yourself while on our planet. This is why we are willing to grant you the power to return to earth, to see how well you have truly changed. It is not going to be easy, because once you get there you will have much to deal with, and you will have only one person to help you deal with it all. Only one person has waited for you, in the entire time you have been gone. Your husband gave up on you, and moved away. Your children live with your husband over seas, very far away from where you live. They think you are dead, so you coming back will be a miracle, and not many people will believe it. Not many people there like you. It will be very hard." Arinna looked at the angle then proudly stood up. "I have faith in myself. I know I have learned much while I have been here and I know I can do this." "Good," the angel said as she looked at Arinna and smiled. "One thing, the conversation we have had here today will no longer be with you once you go back. You will not know how long you have been gone, you will not know where your children are, you will not know that this realm here was real at all, and people will tell you it was only a dream. Do you still want to go back?" "Yes, I do!" The angel smiled at Arinna again, with her smile Arinna was in the hospital gown she would wake up in, her cloak was gone, her sword was gone, her bow was gone, all she had was a hospital gown and the scars she entered this world with. Chapter 3 Arinna woke up and looked around the room she was now in. It was a hospital room, white walls, and big machines she was hooked up to just to keep her breathing. She saw a man in a chair asleep; she did not want to wake him, so she tried to be silent. She tried to move her arms up but found out she had no strength to do this. Whatever medicine she had been on was not working very well, for her entire body was so very sore. She sighed a very heavily as she realized how much her body hurt. At the sound of her sigh Kendal awoke. He could not believe his eyes, for two years he had been coming her daily to check on her status. She was finally awake, she was going to live. "Arinna, you're awake. I am so glad to see you awake." He kissed her forehead and held her hands. "How long have you been awake?" "I'm glad to see you also. I just now woke up. How long have I been here?" It was so hard for her to talk and her voice strained. "You have been unconscious for 6 months. I am just so happy you are awake now." He held to her hands, and kissed her forehead again, as he began to tear up. "I can't remember very much. Please tell me what happened." "Arinna, I will. Right now I would rather just make you feel a little more comfortable." Kendal called the nurses in and asked them what should be done to make Arinna feel less pain. "Oh good she is finally awake." The nurses were all very nice and they took great care of Arinna, they gave her some news medicines that helped her body not to be so sore. They checked her every 30 minutes to make sure she was doing well. Luckily, because of Kendal they had taken good care of her while she was under their care. She did not have bed sores, not any sickness other than being sore from being out for such a long time, and she was much smaller than when they had brought her in, in fact she had lost 60 pounds since all she had to eat was liquid. Kendal watched as they tended to her. "When do you think she can go home?" "Will she be going home with you, she will have to go and live with someone since she has no home of her own now." "Yes, I will take her home with me. " Kendal could not believe she was finally awake, the nurses and doctors had warned him she would never come back, and yet here she was. She was doing well they told him, and now they were talking about taking her home. "It will be at least one full week, if not two. She will have to see a psychologist, and a physical therapist. She will have much to relearn, and she will have to be evaluated to be sure she does not attempt suicide again. In fact we are not sure if she will be able to go home, or if she will have to go to a different hospital to see how her mental state of being is.' Kendal was not too happy about this news, but at least she was awake, that was the best news. The nurses left so that Kendal could have a few hours alone with Arinna before visiting hours were over. "Hi. How do you feel now?" Arinna smiled up at Kendal. "I feel better. In fact they have given me some medicine that makes me feel very little pain at all. I want to talk to you about some things. Why am I here?" "You do not remember what you tried to do to yourself?" Kendal looked as if he were ready to cry. "You tried to kill yourself, but you failed only because Jerik came to the house just in time to bring you here so that they could save you. We really thought you were going to die. Jerik left. I visited you every day. I was so afraid you were never going to wake up, everyone was so discouraging. I just could not give up on you." "Kendal, how can I see my kids?" Kendal did not want to answer her, he did not feel she could handle all these bad things in one day, he could not even make himself tell her that they were overseas with her husband, but he had to say something. "We will find away." When Jerik had left the last day, the day he wanted to have her unplugged from the machines, he told Kendal that Arinna was dead to him. That he was done with her and that from his point of view she would never see her children again, since she was so irresponsible to have tried to commit suicide. Kendal could not tell that to Arinna, he knew that Jerik had some valid points, but he had been such a jerk to Arinna, and he could not handle telling her all the bad news in this first day. "I am so weak, how long do they say before I will be able to walk and not be so tired?" "They say it could take you a few weeks before you can even go home. The rest will take more time than that I am sure." Kendal held her hands during their whole time together. "Kendal, are you my only friend left?" "I do not know." Which again, he did not want to tell her yes, Arinna all of your friends lefts shortly after you had been here for four weeks. The nurse came back in to tell them that visiting hours would be over in five minutes. "Can you not stay with me; I really do not want to be alone." Arinna said as she looked at him longingly and with lonely eyes. "No I am sorry but I do have to leave. I have to go home to Alex and I also have to go because they will not allow me to stay. I will be here after work tomorrow. I will let some of the people you knew before your accident that you are awake, and maybe they will come and see you." "Kendal, " "Yes, Arinna?" "I want you to know I am very thankful to have been graced with such a wonderful friend as you. I don't think I would have made it back if you would not have been here." She kissed his hand and smiled at him. He kissed her hand back, and then left her room so she could get some rest. He was so happy that he went home and talked to his mother and brother about her recovery. They listened to him, encouraged him, and praised him for all his time that he spent with her. The next day at work he called some people he thought might want to know that she was awake, and he also tried to get in touch with Jerik's mom so he could let her know that Arinna was awake. He had to call the old church that Arinna had gone to. Many of the people that attended at that church wanted nothing to do with Arinna since she had tried to take her own life, but they did give him Jerik's mom's phone number. He called her house, and he was nervous. He had only spoken to this woman a few times and that was after Jerik had left. She was very disappointed in her son, but she was even more unhappy with Arinna. "Hello." "Is this Jerik's mother?" Kendal asked. "Yes, who is this?" "This is Kendal, Arinna's friend. I need to tell you something important." "I am not sure if you have the right person, but ok." "Arinna, is your daughter-in-law correct?" "Yes, she is." "I wanted you to know I was at the hospital with her last night, and she ha